(this takes up 6 pages on Word lol so take your time reading cos I won’t post anything new for a while :p)
Ok, so I’m watching Rome and writing my post at the same time… it’s like a review and a spoiler at the same time… so anybody who hasn’t seen Rome yet, DON’T READ THIS POST!!! *flails arms and screams*
Let’s start, shall we? :p
Hmm.. What a nice, creative way to start a series, i like the music at the beginning.. Drawings running across the walls while people pass by in fast motion.. Very nice…
OMG THERE’S A DRAWING OF A NAKED MAN WTH A HUGE…. (Dammit, 7tenths, you can have a word for blaying chest *HUH* and u couldn’t make up a word for penis!!!)… KAHUNA-THING-A-MA-BOB!!
Hmm.. scary serious voice starting the story…
oh, there’s Caesar… he’s so ugly… what did Cleopatra ever see in him…?
oooooh fight scene… some Leader Dude is using a whistle to tell the soldiers when to move forward and backwards…
they used whistles for fights? isn’t that a bit gay? i always imagined weird bellowing voices like Mel Gibson in Braveheart lol… and why are the people with brooms on their hats (Romans) always fancy and “kashkheen” when the opposing “village” people are always looking like they just rolled around in the mud? i just don’t get that…
now he’s (the Leader Dude) asking them to get back in formation and one Mel wannabe is still moving forward and fighting…
whoa, now he’s angry and moving towards the Mel-wannabe… lol and some villager knocked down his hat and he’s pissed lol… GOD… i hate those Roman haircuts…
“get back in formation u drunken fool!”… wahahhaaha.. they even fight AMONGST themselves!!
so they’re back in camp and they’re whipping the drunken fool’s ass (literally) while the leader dude’s warning them what happens to drunk dudes during battle and all that jazz… they’re done with him and he says: ” is that it?! and i was just beginning to enjoy myself” lol i think this dude’s a jackass already hehe
The rolled in mud village ruler just surrendered… ooh, he ripped his clothes off and he’s standing there naked… they make him kiss the head of some gold eagle on a stick…
and the guy’s still naked while they all cheer his surrender lol… his tattoos are quite hot…
the drunken fool is pissed off cos they’re taking the spoils from after the war… when they won’t tell him what’s going on he calls them “you piss-drinking sons of circus whores!!” LOL pretty hard-core, ain’t he?
they’re actually giving out women and children and there are two dudes (Mr. Fugly and Mr. Fugly Red Curly Ponytails) bargaining for a price… old roman bastards…
ooh a letter from Magnus (Pompey)… his wife (Caesar’s daughter) is dying from childbirth… why’s she asking for forgiveness when he’s the idiot who actually put the baby in there in the first place!!!!! all that blood.. yew… hmm, he kisses and she tells him that his hair is funny and then she dies…. i bet she wanted to do that for a very long time… EEEWWWW he drools when she dies!!! it’s like puking after making love to your loved one… how can he dribble after kissing her? YUCKH!
so Caesar finishes the letter (i don’t think it included drooling or funny hair details) the two dudes (Mr. Fugly and Mr. Fugly Red Curly Ponytails) are still bargaining when Caesar passes by and ruins everything by asking for the women for a cheap price… ass****…
he’s in his trailer/tent and he’s supposed to be sad-looking. he tells his men that his daughter died and some random dude says “i grieve with u”.. awww.. male-bonding :p
and the bastard actually says that Pompey will be needing a new wife… a mud-rolling cheap-bought village chick, maybe?
so now Caesar sends the spoils back to Rome.. they’re throwing jewelry at the people… there’re two ministers standing on the side and complaining *sighs*
some stocky ugly dude walks into town with a white Stallion… nice…
Some guy with a huge chin is warning people and nobody’s listening to him LOL I think this was the 9:00 news to them hehe…
OMG!! a SEX SCENE! between the guy with the stallion and some ugly red headed woman (apparently named Attia.. no, not as in Mohamed Attia, the first Star Academy Star who stole the tune for the Backstreet Boys’ The Call song for his crappy first single :p)… eewwww… pretty close shots… 3aip!! *shields her virgin eyes*
the whole time these people are doing it, maids are standing to the side and fanning them with feathers LOL..
now they’re done.. and a maid hands the red-headed ugly chick on top a glass of wine… she sounds pretty neutral for somebody who just had sex… no sighs no nothing…. WHERE’S THE EMOTION!? …. aha.. she asks the horse guy for the white stallion…
she’s in the tub, and her son is peeking (EW) she tells him to come in and not be shy (she actually told him not to be a goose lol), she walks out the tub and they cover her lol (taw el nanas).. she asks the kid to.. (he slaps the maid who puts his chair for him.. WHY?!?!!!?) take the white horse to his great uncle (Caesar) just to make his mama (ugly redhead chick aka Attia aka Caesar’s Niece) very happey (she says it that way lol)
The Senate scene… Two dudes at the door slam their sticks/canes in order to make everybody quiet (supposedly)… the ministers are all around wearing white and red and they’re all screaming profanities at each other LOL… some dying man coughs out that “Pedro Butane hears u” (i got the name wrong but who cares)… this Pedro dude is the only one wearing black/dark blue/dark green and he has a whole lot of objections…
he’s complaining about Caesar not being around and the people facing him are yelling the whole time… the people on his side just sit there and applaud when he’s done speaking..
then he speaks some more (NOooOOOoooOOoo!) …Pompey looks bored and people just won’t shut up…
Next scene: Pompeius is watching a play… and some Senate dudes try to bring in a new wife to sit next to Pompeius…
OMG one of the actor-dudes in the play walks out with an elephant trunk on his HAKUNA-THING-A-MA-BOB!! he’s shaking it around!!! EEWW!!
the “new wife” all of a sudden says “father, my presence is not appropriate her.. there’s a lewd woman on stage”
they show a chick lifting up her skirt and walking around shaking her bottom and then bending over against the bed… yes, extremely lewd!
the complaining dude from before grabs Pompeius and asks him to squash Caesar like a bug… Pompieus does not wish that to happen and walks away..
Ugly redheaded woman’s son (Octavian) puts all his toys in a small pouch around his neck, his sister adds her ring (aww, how cute… sister gives bro a ring!)
“Andros, bring him back safe or I’ll use the eyes of your children for beads” OUCH!!!!! and they take off for Gaul (where Caesar is)
Pompies thinks the white stallion is for him and then they tell him it has been sent to Caesar and he’s jealous cos Caesar gets EVERYTHING… his guard is going to Gaul anyway, so he’ll “kill two birds with one stone”
A couple of blue paint covered guys kill the dudes who’re cleaning up Caesar’s eagle head thing… and they take it away..
Drunken fool (Titus) is drawing spurting hakuna-thing-a-ma-bobs with chalk (where’d he get it? :/) and why he’s drawing penises, i don’t know!!
Brutus (the son of some chick called Siviliya who’s in love with Caesar) visits Caesar.. Marc Anthony walks in and calls him a “c**k” LOL men and their “dala3″ names for each other… they mention the stolen eagle… apparently if the soldiers show that they don’t like Caesar’s not letting them go (cos the stolen eagle is a symbolic sign of his doom), they get whipped LOL
Octavian (ugly redheaded chick’s son) is tired, when Andros tries to wake him he says “don’t touch me without my permission. spoiled BRAT!) and when Andros reaches for water he get shot in the neck with an arrow and a whole gang comes up and kills the slaves.. wow, that was fast :p
OMG they threw Octavian off his horse!! LITERALLY!! he kicks somebody and runs away (more like crawls) and then some dude peeks at him through the bushes and smiles at him like a lunatic (that actually made me laugh LOL)
Marc Anthony (not Mr. J.Lo) asks one of the soldiers (the leader dude, aka Lucius) how he would retrieve the eagle, the soldier says “I’d get as many peeps from all the mud-rolling villages and then crucify them one by one until they tell me where the damn eagle is and then we’d go in quietly with one or two of my fancy broom-wearing dudes to steal it back, sir” (he didn’t really say it like that but i like rephrasing ;p)
Marc says: “goooood.. we are of one blood-shedding cruel mind.. (either that or you’re kissing my bum).. do it”
Luscious is actually shocked, he’s like “do it, sir?”
and Marc gives him (bribe moola) to spend wisely lol… then he leaves so they can “do it” :p
ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew… they’re crucifying a bunch of dudes!!!! HUGE NAILS THROUGH WRISTS!!! eewww!!! i could take Passion of the Christ, but not again!!!!
one of the dudes confesses as soon as they pull them up!!!! EEWWW!!!! and then Lucius says “take them down” and one of the soldiers actually looks at the leader guard person and sighs LOL
the drunken fool Titus is praying in his cell, hoping he’s praying to the right Gods to make business with… he’s promising a white lamb or six pigeons LOL khosh bargaining…
Lucius and another dude open the cell door and walk in and Titus a weird smile on his face… they ask him to go with Lucius to retrieve the eagle and he’s surprised and then he laughs this really weird “uh ha uh ha uh ha uh ha uh ha” laugh lol
Another scene: some old red headed lady meets up with Brutus and calls his tan “as brown as a bean”
he gives her a letter from Caesar and she reads it… looks like she’s his mistress cos “he longs to be alone with her”.. is that what they call sex? lol cos with the maids around the bed day and night, i don’t think that’s what ppl call alone…
Lucius and Titus start the journey in search of the stolen golden eagle… and they’re having a silent cat fight wehehehe… male bonding at it’s finest :p
Scene: Party: Brutus and his mum know Pompey and they’re talking at a party… i think Brutus is drunk.. he’s acting like he’s drunk and slurring like he’s drunk but he doesn’t look drunk…
Anyway, Pompey pulls him aside and asks him how he thinks Caesar’s doing… he slurs things about him not being alright and then excuses himself… i think he’s gonna go vomit ha-ha….
Caesar sends a message to Attia (his niece) asking her to choose a wife for Pompey and to “offer” her to him in his name… Brutus’s mum (her name’s Sivilia) goes up to her and compliments her dress, Octavia and she asks about Octavian, Attia tells her that he’s in Gaul… (scene: Octavian tied up with the mud-rollers are laughing their heads off by the fire..)
Scene:
Attia is praying in front of a statue of a kid on a horse.. she’s in a hole in the ground… weird people wearing coloured masks are dancing around her like crazy, bouncing around with arms flailing… and slave chicks are standing around blindfolded… there’s a bull on a cage on top of the hole in the ground Attia’s praying in… some weird fast music is playing and some ugly priest person is mumbling stuff… i swear to God i’m not making any of this up… her daughter’s there and looking at the bull.. they zoom into the bulls eyes.. i think it’s gonna cry…
HOLY SHIIII…..!!!!! they just killed the bull and let his blood fall on Attia!!! UUUrRRGGHGHGH!!!! and she’s just sitting there praying and keeping her mouth open!!! the bull dies and the blood keeps pouring down on her… *shudders*
she walks away and a the ugly mumbling priest says “the god says no harm shall come to your boy” and she goes, in a perky voice “good” LOL
Now she’s taking a hot bath in her white prayer clothes… she swims to the side of the bath and tells her daughter that she wants her for Pompey… and she actually mentions that she has heard that Pompey is actually an adequate lover LOL.. the daughter just rolls her eyes and tries to move away… Attia tells her that she’ll have to get divorced from her husband or else Caesar will kill him if he doesn’t divorce her…
Scene: awww… Octavia kisses her husband goodbye and leaves… Attia the bitch thinks her ex is a sissy for crying…
now they’re applying makeup on Octavia for the wedding and she looks like she’s about to cry any minute now… now they’re sitting together for dinner with Pompey and he’s showing off with battle stories… the chicks almost fall asleep so Attia gets up and changes the mood, she’s like “does my daughter please you?” and he says “very pleasing”.. when she mentions that Caesar’s offering her in marriage he goes “huhhh.. isn’t she married already?!” the mom says really quick “divorced”… he’s still thinking… then he goes “uhhmm… oki dokey”
then the mom says “yea, my daughter doesn’t mind sleeping with u right now btw, u can have the ceremony later” the look on Octavia’s face is priceless hehehe
Titus and Lucius are hanging out and Titus is describing each type of women and how to “hunt them down”, and then when Lucius says “all u can think of is women?!!?” and he goes like “well, okay, there’s FOOD!!”
i loved the line Lucius used to reply: “when was the last time u’ve had a woman who wasn’t crying or asking for payment” LOL he asks Titus to watch while he sleeps and to wake him up when the moon is at a certain position so he can wake up to be the watch guard…
Next Morning: they wake up and some dudes have stolen their horses… they end up walking and having another mini cat fight..
they find the mud-rollers with Octavian pulling the cart and walking around with the crazy grinner on the white horse…
they almost kill them all and then go to Octavian and force him to say please so they can untie him (LOL)
Titus cuts his ropes and he gets up and beats a man to death lol… then he almost insults the guys who saved him by telling them that they’re running a fool’s errand because Caesar doesn’t care about the eagle, and that he’s just trying to find it so Pompieus doesn’t think that the stolen eagle is a sign of weakness and that the link between them as brothers (Julia, Caesar’s daughter’s death) is what’s gonna start a battle…
they find a bucket of blue paint that was used on the guys who stole the eagle and out of the cart a bald dude runs out with the gold eagle wrapped up in some cloth…
Lucius throws a spear at him and the guy dies and the eagle falls to the ground..
the eagle comes back to the camp and soldiers are happy… Caesar walks out his tent trailer thing and he’s happy to see it… when Octavian waves and says Good Morning Uncle, Caesar gets even happier and “unfortunately” smiles with teeth showing (EW!!)
they show Caesar the bald guy’s head (yes, severed from the body) and he sees the tattoo above his ear that shows he’s one of Pompey’s men… and so the battle begins…
Caesar sends the head to Pompey and Pompey’s pretty shocked lol…
Pompey then gets married and kids dance from side to side with flowers in their hair lol…
Pompey’ wife is covered like one of Michael Jackson’s children and she walks into a temple, when she takes off the scarf, she’s Cornelia (the one who didn’t want to see the lewd woman lol).. so: *GASP* it’s not OCTAVIA!!!
Attia is mad because Pompey didn’t marry Octavia… and Octavia’s crying… she wants to go back to Glabius but her mom says no… now Octavia wants Pompey dead and Attia says “and that’s what’s gonna happen, darling’”
they show Caesar’s army leaving and the camp behind them is burning down to the ground…
and that’s when the first episode ends :p
so tell me guys, u want me to comment on the rest of the episodes? lol
